There are Days...

There are days when I feel so overwhelmed as a mom. I always feel like there is more I should be doing, and that I need to be doing more for my boys. And then I just shake my head in wonder at times when I think of having a 3rd! How can I do this? Well, of course I can't, I need the Lord! I am so thankful that I am God's child, I don't know how I would live this life on my own. Some people say that Christianity is a crutch and they don't need God. Well I for one am not ashamed to say that I need God, I need his grace and his forgiveness everyday. I am thankful for Jesus and that he paid the price for my sin. My never ending prayer is that my boys would see the Lord for who he really is despite how often I sin. If there is anything that I do well as a mom, I hope that that I would always be quick to repent to my children when I sin against them. And my hope is in God all the more that it is he that saves and brings salvation. We can do our best as parents but it is God ultimately that does the work in our children's hearts. I believe that we have responsibilities to raise our children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord(Eph. 6:4), but when I see how much of a sinner I am, I am just thankful to God that it is he that saves. So, I will just persevere in prayer and wait expectantly for the day of their salvation.

It's funny...I just realized that I started off this post feeling overwhelmed at the weight of raising my boys and feeling inadaquate, and now I feel like my eyes are back on the Lord. He gives strength to the weary and give us no more than what we can handle. And when it seems overwhelming he makes me see how much I need him still and that it is he that does the work. So, I might cry out for help multiple times throughout the day, but it's okay because I am looking to the Lord for help and guidance. He is always faithful and will give me strength and see me through. And this time when my boys are 2 and 3 will pass so quickly and before I know it they will be older, and I'll be old...............
well, I need to go and enjoy them right now!

Maybe there is still Hope

I had my first visit at the midwifery clinic at the hospital we're going to attend. I was encouraged because she told me that it's not their hospital policy to do a c-section after 2, and they have had other successful vbacs after two. So, it's not a closed case, this was just this dr.'s recommendation for me. So, the midwife i met with today said she will arrange to have the Dr. meet with me at my next appointment next month and we can talk about it again. I don't know that he will agree to letting me try for a vbac, but the midwife was at least more positive than negative about it. We will see. I am a bit frustrated for not meeting face to face with this doctor a month ago when I first had the opportunity. They told me not to come in though because I was undecided about where I was going to recieve care, ugh. I should have insisted on coming in anyways...oh well. we can't change the past...

So, on my home today I stopped at Taco Bell. I never get the boys and I fast food on my own. It's usually a family thing we do on weekends or trips, and then we try to stay away from there and eat Baja Fresh. But anyways, after much debate I just decided to go and get a couple of tacos for Moses and me. I promised him a treat because he was so good at the dr. office and when I asked him what he would like for a treat, he said, "tacos!" So there we were in the parking lot eating when my dear friend who I have not seen in like 3 years pulled up. It was so cool! God definitaly arranged that. It was great to see her, and hopefully we'll be able to get together one day, either this year or next!

Our Decision

A c-section is not any safer than a VBAC, nor is it less risky. The risk of rupturing is less than 1%, but, in our situation it has come that walking down the road towards a c-section is what we have the most peace about. And that's what is the most important. Not what is the safest or less risky but what is God giving us peace about. I can't even believe I'm writing this, but this is what I've realized this week.

I really was wanting a home birth, but the biggest matter was that my husband and I would be united about whatever decision we would make. And that we would have peace as well as unity. For the past two weeks I have ceased searching everyday like I had been for a Dr. and have just been fervently praying for God to speak to both Ryan and I and especially Ryan, that God would give him peace about what we should do. I really needed God to make it clear to Ryan, because I couldn't say that I could hear clearly from God, because my desire was/is so great to have a natural birth, even if it meant at home, that if it were up to me alone I would chose home birth. But, I knew that if it was the Lord's will he would give Ryan peace about it. I was hoping so badly that the answer would be home birth. But, we have finally decided to pursue the c-section, because of the lack of peace about having a home birth (and i hadn't found a dr. who would let me do a trial of labor). Since I have been praying so hard, and I knew that others have been praying as well, I really feel like God not giving him peace is the answer. The greatest piece of advice that I have recieved during this whole process has been to listen to my husband. I honestly can't say I could hear God telling me exactly what we should do, my desire for a natural birth is so strong there is no way I'd choose a c-section on my own. But because of all the prayer, and my husband still not feeling peace about home birth, I am willing to lay that down and follow my husband and agree that we should do a c-section. This is very hard for me, and I've cried so much over this...but I am learning to trust the Lord more and trust my husband. I believe something could still happen, but we will see. It's hard to think that I might never have a natural birth. It makes me feel defeated...it's hard to describe. I know that I need to be grateful for what I do have...that I can even have children at all...anyways, the Lord is good and soveriegn and things are as he sees them fit to be...I'm continuing to learn to trust and have faith ( I hope this post makes sense for the most part, it's late and I need to get to sleep!) Thank you so much to those who have been praying and encouraging me and who've offered bits of help. Thanks.

Response to "My Brain"

Well, at least when you're pregnant you have an excuse for weird things that you do, or don't do. When you're not pregnant...I don't know. I do stuff like that too when I'm not pregnant, I've just never forgotten a stamp or put a tomato in the cupboard, so I lean on the fact that I'm pregnant. :)

My Brain

I have a couple of funny stories to tell and I think the credit is due to the fact that I'm pregnant. Okay, I was making a salad one night last week. A simple salad of lettuce, tomato and a carrot. I got through the whole salad and was about to add the tomato when I realized I couldn't find it. I knew I took it out of the fridge and washed it. Where did it go? I was slightly in a hurry, I was trying to finish this task before Ryan got home from work. I had two hungry youngsters in the background, as well as dinner on the stove that I was attending. Where was that tomato! I looked all over the kitchen twice, even back in the fridge, moving things, looking under things...I just couldn't find it, and I was feeling frazzled. I know I had it just a minute ago! Okay, so finally I prayed, we're to pray about everything yes, so I asked the Lord to help me find my tomato. Well I decided do something else instead and hope the tomato would show itself, and I opened the cupboard that I keep our plates and bowls in and there sat my tomato in line with the bowls! I burst out laughing, for certain I had placed it there but had no memory of doing so. I must be pregnant, yes, why else would I place a tomato in the cupboard!
Story #2 happened today. Ryan asked me to mail a bill for him today. Well, not wanting to forget I did it right away and made the trip out the mail box with the boys. Later tonight when we were all sitting on the couch together I asked Ryan if he got the mail when he came home. He had a funny look on his face and then like all of a sudden remembered something he said, oh yeah, something for you, it's in my lunch box. So I went to find his lunch box curious what I had received in the mail, and behold, it was the bill I'd sent, or thought I'd sent earlier! What is this? oh, I burst out laughing again. I had forgotten to put a stamp on the envelope! Never in all my mail sending years have I ever done that! I got a good laugh and so did my husband!

Learning to Trust and Not Worry

We still don't know what the Lord has for us as far as this next birth goes, but today I really felt overwhelmed with his peace. I know the Lord has his reasons for taking us through this process of decision making, and one thing I'm learning is to trust the Lord and trust my husband. I know that the Lord will answer our prayers, in one way or another, and he will bring his will about. I feel so exhausted with searching for a Dr. though, that I'm taking a break. God will show us what to do, and it's going to happen even if I'm not searching everyday. We had an encouraging time at church yesterday, just with conversations with different people about this and being prayed for. It was a blessing.

As far as birthing centers here: by law they are not allowed to do a vbac after 2 or more c-sections. They do vbacs but it has to be at your house. I feel like we're at a fork in the road and our options are c-section or home birth. We're still considering a home birth, perhaps not at our home, but maybe at another home closer to the hospital. The biggest thing is that God would bring us peace no matter what we decide. We know of a couple of really godly midwives, so that is a blessing. I feel so hopeful that our next birth could go well, but there is always the unknown that makes one a little nervous. We are praying for the Lord's peace ultimately for what we should do, uless we do find a dr. that will support a vbac2 at a hospital. It will have been 2 1/2 years since my last c-section and the rate for rupturing is less than 1 %. I'm hopeful...we will see...thanks for your prayers.

Another Dead End

I had another consultation with a dr. today. I was misinformed over the phone when the lady I talked to told me that they would do a vbac2. But when I went there she told me hospital policy, 2 c-sections and no previous vaginal birth, automatic c-section. The search for a vbac after 2 cesareans at a hospital has been very difficult. I have had no success yet. Ultimately we're praying for the Lord to speak to us about his will for us. Please pray that God would show us his will and give us peace. It has been quite emotional and discouraging.